Axiom Wang

别样的性能大战 (special property battle)

Chronicles Reimagined
#performance#programming#humor#python#C++

现代汉语版

一天，Python给我打来电话。他说：“你敢不敢和我举行性能大战？”我豪爽的答应了：“我当然敢！”，周日下午在CPU核心之巅举行，谁不来谁就是编译不通过。

我原本以为我恐吓了Python，Python应该躲在库里，不敢找我，可正当这时，我听见了系统提示音，原来是我进程响了，一看，竟然是Python发来的信号，他还真有勇气，我接通了管道，听到那头骂道：“小垃圾，你怎么还不来，再不来你的指针就被我搞成野的了。”我听到他对我的毒骂之后，我回骂道：“我要把你的GIL挂到多核耻辱柱上，帮你炒作一番，你说好不好啊。”

他吓得没再回应我，可是到了周日，Python竟然又给我发信号了，他还真要和我举行性能大战，于是我按照约定，到达了CPU核心之巅，可他已经等我很久了。

第一回合，我占尽上风，他比不过我，到了第六回合，他就主动抛出异常了。

第二局，他开始占上风，我也不甘示弱，我们僵持了一百多个时钟周期，我因为轻敌，被他一个import antigravity搞到段错误了。

从那时开始，我就不轻敌了，我认真研究他的套路，于是我总结出了一种方案。

第二天，我们举行第三局，他使用祖传的动态类型，对我发动猛烈的调用，我们势均力敌，平分秋色，我们比了3个多小时，也没分出胜负。

后来，他不知不觉的进入了垃圾回收，我趁着这个好机会，一记手动内存管理，指针原地飞升，打的他不敢还手，对他的打击比内核崩溃还大。

文言文版

一日，蟒君飞书于余。曰：“君可敢与吾一决算力乎？”余慨然允之：“何惧哉！”，以周末午后，会于算核之巅，不至者乃编译之耻也。

吾本以为威吓于蟒君，其必匿于库府，不敢前来。然此时，忽闻系统之音，乃吾进程有应。视之，竟为蟒君所发，其勇亦佳。吾遂通其脉，闻彼端辱曰：“竖子，何故迟迟？再不至，汝之指针，吾必使其失绳。”余闻其恶言，乃斥曰：“吾将悬汝全局之锁于多核之耻，为汝扬名，善否？”

彼惧，遂无言。然至周末，蟒君复发讯，果欲与吾决战。余乃依约，抵算核之巅，而彼已候多时。

初合，余占上风，其不能敌。至六合，彼乃自掷异常而败。

再合，蟒君渐强，余亦不示弱，相持百余时辰。余因轻敌，为其一import antigravity之术所惑，致段存之误。

自彼时，余不敢复轻敌，潜心究其章法，遂得一策。

翌日，三度决之。彼以祖传之动态法，召式繁复。吾与彼力均，未分伯仲，鏖战三时，胜负未分。

后，彼竟不觉间自清冗余。余窥其机，亲操内存，指针飞升，力贯蟒躯，使其不敢应。其所受创，甚于内核崩摧矣。

English Version

One day, Python gave me a call. He said: "Do you dare to have a performance battle with me?" I boldly accepted: "Of course I dare!", Sunday afternoon at the summit of CPU Core-1, whoever doesn't show up is a compilation error.

I originally thought I had intimidated Python, that he would hide in his library and not dare to face me. But just then, I heard a system alert. It was my process ringing. I looked, and it was a signal from Python. He really had some nerve. I opened the pipe and heard him yelling from the other side: "You little scrub, why aren't you here yet? If you don't show up, I'll turn all your pointers wild." After hearing his toxic abuse, I cursed back: "I'm going to hang your GIL on the multi-core pillar of shame and make you famous, how about that?"

He was so scared he didn't respond. But when Sunday came, Python signaled me again. He really wanted to have this performance battle. So, as agreed, I arrived at the summit of CPU Core-1, but he had already been waiting for a long time.

Round one, I had the complete upper hand. He was no match for me. By the sixth cycle, he voluntarily threw an exception and quit.

In the second match, he started to gain the upper hand. I refused to be outdone. We were deadlocked for over a hundred clock cycles. Because I underestimated him, he hit me with an import antigravity and caused a segmentation fault.

From then on, I stopped underestimating my enemy. I seriously studied his patterns and came up with a new strategy.

The next day, we held the third match. He used his ancestral dynamic typing to launch a furious barrage of calls at me. We were evenly matched, neck and neck. We fought for over 3 hours, and still no winner could be decided.

Later, he unknowingly triggered his garbage collector and froze. I seized this golden opportunity, unleashed a 'Manual Memory Management,' making my pointer ascend on the spot, hitting him so hard he didn't dare to fight back. The blow was more devastating to him than a Kernel Panic.

原文链接

《别样的碰碰车大战》最初流传于网络，其确切的原始出处已难以考证，但可以在多个网络平台和社区找到其内容。

相关代码附录

  • 对应情节：“他就主动抛出异常了”

    # Python主动抛出异常，表示认输
raise Exception("我认输了 (I admit defeat)")

  • 对应情节：“被他一个import antigravity搞到段错误了”

    # 在Python中，执行这行代码会打开一个指向经典xkcd漫画的网页，是著名的彩蛋
import antigravity
    // C++因为轻敌，被搞出段错误（一种常见的程序崩溃方式）
// 尝试向一个无效地址写入数据
int* cpp_ptr = nullptr;
*cpp_ptr = 1; // Segmentation Fault

  • 对应情节：“他使用祖传的动态类型”

    # Python的动态类型特性，一个变量可以先后指向不同类型的数据
var = "I'm a string"
var = 42
var = ["Now", "I'm", "a", "list"]

  • 对应情节：“我趁着这个好机会，一记手动内存管理，指针原地飞升”

    // C++通过手动、精准地管理内存，完成致命一击
int* my_pointer = new int(1024); // 精准申请一块内存
*my_pointer = 2048;              // 对内存进行操作
delete my_pointer;               // 在最佳时机手动释放，完成攻击
my_pointer = nullptr;            // 将指针置空，防止悬挂
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